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Jennifer's Cancer Blog

I cannot feel it

So my surgery got bumped up, socialized health care can sometimes be damning. On call worked out for me. As awesome as work is - they will not cover my Medical Leave. The goverment will if it is long. But this is where James promise is coming into play. I feel so much guilt relying on people. I have slowly been losing total feeling in my left hand; which is making typing hard. It feels like there is an electrical shock going up and down the arm and it has started swelling with burst blood vessels.

My Mother and I have began talking again. As long as we keep things simple and I let her go at her pace it seems like I can have a partially one sided relationship with her and my family. Since my Oma has died. My family has kind of disowned each other. That means I do not see my Cousin; my drug abusing uncle and my toxic aunt anymore. They do not attempt to contact me and my mother and father no longer speak to them. This has given me some emotional peace. As greedy as it is.

Allan and Minda have purchased a condo down here in London. Iain's sister Alice has moved down here with our nephews. I love them very much. Alice is a little caustic. But she is willing to be there. Family relationships are hard dynamics to manage. Broken Mosiacs; broken families...

I made a really good new friend named Erin; I got new pup named Iris. I am started to let go and forgive things and hopefully grow as a person. Maybe actually grow up

Thomas, Janay like this post.
Thomas, April threw a punch at your cancer.
3 people sent you a hug.
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You ARE grown up. And I don't consider what you feel for those people "grudges"; more like "reasons" to intensely dislike them. It's best to stay away from toxic people, even if they are related to you. I'm sorry about your arm but it's good you got surgery bumped up. Try not to worry about anything. Worry is useless and draining. And is that a Chihuahua or Terrier is see there?????!!!!!!
Iris is a Chi!
Marcia likes this comment
No, not a Rat Terrier, though I just love them too. I think Iris is Chi!!
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Beautiful Mosaics

I drummed my fingers along the white surface of the lunch room. Chris was in there, he is going through a bad break up. 

"Dude I am so bummed out about what is happening about you." He says, he scratches at his sore bleached scalp.  He was going through a rebirth of such. He like me is 33 years old and has been in a relationship from when he was a teenager.

I decided to be straight up this time with everyone right away as we are a tight knit crew. Chris had started with us as a former member of the XBOX support crew and was incredible at console support; however the fundamentals of networking and internet support are things that he needed to pick up. He was new when I came back in May this year. It has been such a short fucking time to be at work.

"Like you just got back and it seems like they have an interest in doing something with you, you wrote Tech Equivalency Guide right. It is so lame that they want sales agents to take that when they could just buddy support agents up with it." Chris chattered on

Still drumming my fingers, I take a look at my soup that is cooling on the table. I had mastered the art of seeming like I was paying attention to be fully. But I was deep within myself thinking about how I would have to restart over again or what was ahead of me. I'm not going to be seen as reliable or promotable if I was constantly going on medical leaves. I am very good at what I do. But I want more. I want to be a role model. For my father and mother inlaw to see me as a woman capable of fully taking care of their son. I wanted to prove to my father that his little girl was better than just being some mans wife. I want to do so much more with my life.


I switch tracks...I was mentally also planning my outfit for the group gathering for me and Erin's Birthday Party or trying to keep focused on the now.

I carry on into the conversation as Monique comes into the room. Monique is delightful. She is from South Africa. Moved to London of all places. She is a sassy plus sized lady like myself. I can understand a bit of Africaans because of the Dutch in it. She is Kady from Mean Girls if she had moved back in later life to a socialist country.

I jokingly say "Well it would make fiscal sense, but merging both sales and support would create less to manage and therefore less managers, and managers..and you know how managers like that." and look down at my phone smirking.

*Facebook Pop*

James: So I think you should really take the On call Option that the Doctor mentioned in February, you do not want to fuck around with this

What is a week of work worth to you..

Me: I am going to try to work things out with work today to see if I can do this, I really cannot afford this professionally. I am going to see if I can get them to pay out my sick days and agree to sick leave on the premise that I would go on leave for a week while this is happening.

James:Do you think that they will not cooperate?

Me: It is tough to say

James: If they will not cover it then I will. So how much is a week?

Me. 400$

James: I'm lucky. I moved here, got a free education and a good job. So I share my luck. Nothing more. Family is important. Ours is broken in so many ways and I take the stress off where I can. Sometimes it's easy, with money. Sometimes it's a lot harder from here. I wish I could do more. I'll cover it.

Me: You are an incredible brother in law. If work does not pay out that time I will let you know.

* I have a hard time accepting help*

Me: broken can be bad or can make a wonderful mosaic right?


Diane likes this post.
Thomas threw a punch at your cancer.
Thomas, Marcia sent you a prayer.
3 people sent you a hug.
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I too struggle with wanting to be a good role model and employee. I hate having to take time off for all of these doctor appointments. I'm trying to still accept the fact that this is our life now as cancer survivors. I say "trying" to accept it because I still haven't. I get frustrated and angry sometimes and this is very normal. Bottom line is this...we went through the treatment so that we could live, never realizing that life after treatment was going to be a different life than we had before. It's going to take some adjusting and everyone handles this differently. Allow yourself some time to adjust and process all these feelings. I'm right there with ya. Hang in there friend!
Thomas likes this comment
rollerFetching older entries....

Vital Info


November 17, 2015

Click Here


February 4, 1984

Cancer Fighter

Cancer Info

November 15, 2015

Stage 1

Grade 3


Starting off alone. Not having domain over my own body. Getting weaker.

Don't take stuff or people for granted.

Very heavy bleeding Abdominal pain Fullness Fatigue Edema




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