I see your lips

The wind whipped up my hair this morning, and my make up is subpar, subpar is a kind word for it..it's messy. Normally because of the OCD I would be freaking out at this point. I feel the motor of the bus vibrating through my body as it idles. My legs and abdomen hurt. I silently complain to myself that I am tired. I'm nervous. It is my first day back at work since my diagnosis. I take my progesterone and a clonazepam. I can feel my heart in my throat.

I try my best to avoid the smoke pit outside of work. It has been 5 days since I quit smoking. It smells delicious and disgusting at the same time. I want to yell at them and call them stupid. Tell them what is happening to me. But then I don't want to. I grasp the pendant to my necklace, avoid looking at the sales supervisor and walk around the building just to avoid anyone else.

I get in, they tore out the windows on the front of our property at work to replace them. Tarps flap noisily as a walk in. I give a greeting to CH, I really don't want to look anyone in the face. I love everyone here. But I am panicking and on the verge of tears.

 

My Husband. I should probably just give you his name now. Iain, made Tokansu Ramen with Pork Cutlet for dinner last night. He loves to cook. He packed me a lunch. He said he feels better doing it and to picture him hugging me as I eat it. I tuck it in the fridge. People try to talk to me about my purse. (This is the purse to give you more of a visual picture http://www.dappledgrey.com/2011/10/a-horse-handbag-urban-outfitters-horse-shaped-satchel.html) I'm really not in the mood for this. I already know that I am visiting with the 7 stages of grief. I don't want anyone to know though.

 I'm noticing things as I look at my reflection in the mirror at work. That I seem tired, okay I am tired. Maybe I have just done such a splendid job at covering it all, maybe it was denial. Even during the bleeding I could have made Kim Kardashians make up artist do a double take. I love having control over my looks. I go to the bathroom 3 times. And start my shift at 11am.  The Clonazepam has hit me hard by this time. I'm calmer. I really don't get why these people are freaking the fuck out about their internet. It will be up shortly, there is an outage, we'll credit you...spend time with the people you love...

 

The time flies by. I absolutely hate it. I am glad to have this shit ebbing at the back of my mind, instead of upfront and centre. I eat the lunch prepared for me and spend the rest of my lunch dozing on the couch at work. I figure I am either just emotionally tired or those fun bodily changes are taking affect. My body likes to do things hardcore and fast.

I am still reeling from that appointment yesterday. I really want to talk to Iain about it. But tensions are so high right now. I am so worried we are going to fight. I don't think have enough emotion leeway to fight about it. It's little and big at the same time. I'm really uncomfortable. It feels like the worse period cramps I have ever had.

 

Not smoking at work is strange. I brew my 3rd tea for the afternoon. Not having coffee in the morning was a huge deal. But I couldn't afford the 2$. EK on the sales team comes to make some tea as well and asks what's up with me today.

I've done the telling my family thing. I'm getting tired from the apologies from my family. Canadians are an apologetic people, but I'm so tired of people saying they are sorry, or they'll be there. My family was not there when Iain almost died, but said the same thing. People like to say the right thing and be busy when you are alone in the ICU watching your husbands being attached to machines to breathe. My best friend wasn't there. My parents were 15 minutes away. No one came. No one will.

I say to EK that I'm tired. Its not a lie. But she doesn't need to know. 

The IM's fly in. "Where have you been? I haven't seen you for days?" "You look sad, do you need to talk?". I can't tell you. I'm still so RAW. You'll want more information. 

 

I see my lips. They want to tell you. I see your lips. Thanks for the smile.

 

Update you later,

 

Love

 

nnycru 

 

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I wish I new a magic word to take away the fear and pain. I don't. I think you have the strength to fight this fight, and all I can do is offer you support, and the understanding that comes from surviving cancer (twice). I will be thinking of you in the coming days, and sending you all the positive vibes I can.
Please keep on fighting. I think it's worth it.
I love the way you write! You are a talented writer! I will keep you in my thoughts and continue to follow your story?
Jennifer likes this comment
I hope you're printing out your posts for a book one day. I'm here for you and message me anytime. Lisa
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Vital Info

Posts

November 17, 2015

Click Here

Canada

February 4, 1984

Cancer Info

Sarcoma

November 15, 2015

Stage 1

Grade 3

Hysterectomy

gofundme.com/jafchek4

gofundme.com/jafchek4

Starting off alone. Not having domain over my own body. Getting weaker. Being left in the dark by doctors

Don't take stuff or people for granted.

gofundme.com/jafchek4

First Cancer was Endometrial Cancer -Very heavy bleeding -Abdominal pain -Fullness -Fatigue -Edema Sarcoma (2017) Growing lump on elbow pain tingling edema

Progestrone

gofundme.com/jafchek4

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