You can't always get want you want..

 

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XG5GOH2CO1k

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November 19th, 2015

 

One of the hard things about my diagnosis is telling people. The people I should tell. I am conflicted on whether I need to tell people. I tried my best to hide the bleeding and hyperplasia. The change in mood with the new hormones. I have told you all about some of my past. I'm estranged from my parents and have a difficult time conveying my emotions. Tears and crying is uncomfortable for me. Mainly because my mom would get frustrated with me after I got home from school and a cried because the kids teased me that sometimes she would get a little physical with me. I do not know whether it was the poverty. We did not have alot of money. The house I grew up in, should legitamitely be teared to the ground. My sister and I; were designated the smallest room in the house. I was just big enough to put a bunk bed and a dresser in. We had no heat in our room. SInce my parents are narcisstics, my brother was their "golden child". He had a large room, with a space heater in it. Go figure.

 

My parents didn't believe in "allowance". My friends got a few dollars a week for doing their chores. Us...nooo...maybe some change, never enough to save when you had to buy your lunch with it, deodorant...

 

It put me in the awesome position of needing to ask my mom/dad for anything and everything. My shoes falling apart? Gotta beg them for a new pair. Needed a few dollars for a field trip? Better go kiss up to Mom and Dad. They loved the control. But I swear what my mom loved was to turn me down.

She *always* had a good excuse. We can't afford it right now. We have the same shoe size! You can use my boots! And I can pack you a lunch! How about a Tuna fish sandwich?.

And if I pouted or cried? She'd burst into song. "You can't always get what you want! You can't always get what you want!"

Fast forward a decade or two. I'm 28. Watching House MD. A familiar tune comes on.

"You can't always get what you want."

I get deeply and profoundly sad and miss my mother.

"Yep, mom, I get it." I say to myself mentally. I remember the dread and disappointment.

"You can't always get what you want."

Jeez, I just needed some lunch money for the school trip.

 

"But if you try sometimes " I thought to myself, there is more in a panic.
 

"You just might find"

"You get what you need!"

 

We don't really see eachother much, my mother in law Minda, asked me how my parents were doing last January, I said I did not know, I hadn't seen them since October. When they forgot my birthday in February ;which was is the same month of theirs and wished Tim Hortons (Canadian Coffee Chain) happy birthday on February on their anniversary I felt invisable. I removed them both from facebook. My mother did not notice until this September.

 

No matter how hard my childhood was, or how much she denied my rape or shamed me for what he did...I wanted my mother. Minda is like a mother to me. My mother just asked for more information and left it at that. She went on to message the rest of the family about it. My husband and I call using tragedy or crisis for attention using emotional currency. I wretched last night because I was so upset.

 

I am sorry this really isn't supposed to be a pity party; it is a place to come and read what others are going through and gain insight. So l would like to talk about the 7 stages. I first learned about the 7 stages in therapy after my husband almost passed away. I did have a mental break down. My support network has grown since I healed, but at that point, it was Iain's family and our current best friend Jamo. I learned that grief does not only come with death, but with a big change.

 

  1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
    You will probably react to learning of the loss/ change/ illness with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality  at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
  2. PAIN & GUILT-
    As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. Whoops!

    You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.
  3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
    Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame. You might blame yourself in many ways. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. 

    You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair 
  4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
    Just when your friends may think you should be getting over it, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

    During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.


     
  5. THE UPWARD TURN-
    As you start to adjust to life withyour diagnosis, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. You likely know more about your illness or have been antiquated with the symptoms. Welcome back Tiger!
  6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
    As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by your illness. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life.
  7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
    During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

    You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your illness without  emotional torment; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

​ The stages will never come in order and you might move back and forth through them. As with my bipolar I find the self actualization of knowing about my feelings or symptoms helps me in my healing. I hope I have inspired or helped today amoungst my whining and story telling. 

Thomas likes this post.
Jennifer sent you a prayer.
Danni sent you a hug.
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Great post Jennifer. I hope you're having a good day today.
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Vital Info

Posts

November 17, 2015

Click Here

Canada

February 4, 1984

Cancer Info

Sarcoma

November 15, 2015

Stage 1

Grade 3

Hysterectomy

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Starting off alone. Not having domain over my own body. Getting weaker. Being left in the dark by doctors

Don't take stuff or people for granted.

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First Cancer was Endometrial Cancer -Very heavy bleeding -Abdominal pain -Fullness -Fatigue -Edema Sarcoma (2017) Growing lump on elbow pain tingling edema

Progestrone

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