Our hopes and Expectations..

November 22nd, 2015


A thick wet layer of snow fell upon the ground and I had awoken to a new winter of uncertainty. I felt my breath flow past my lips as I frantically laboured to the bus stop. My saddle shoes did not have the best grip. When I can afford it I'll get a new pair or wait until my older sister Kitty thrusts a pair upon me in frustration. Kitty or Cathy is 2 years older than me, is very motherly and takes care of my Grandmother. She hates when I wear flats if its to early in the spring. If I had wet feet in her prescence she'd make me change into a fresh pair of socks.


What scares me so much is that she's given her youth to care for my ill grandparent(S). She asks for nothing. None of our aunts, uncles, parents or other siblings stepped up when Grandpa started forgetting things or when the Parkinson's made it impossible for him to get to the toilet on time. Kitty just happened to live there after fleeing home before I did.


I see the steam of my breath escape with each exhale. I feel like a sleeping dragon, bemused that the temperature change that I could could affect this visual effect. I smile to myself happily thankful that the man waiting at the stop is looking for the bus and not at me.


Breathe Jenny.


I pass the time day dreaming about climbing into bed with Iain again. It's been a week since we've been intimate, but with his pain issues its hard to tell if it's that or I'm a piece of glass again like I was after my hernia surgery. I miss his warmth and soft breathing and random snoring. The Sunday schedule in London allots for a northbound bus and southbound bus to arrive every hour with an eleven minute buffer between the two.


Should I go northbound  the bus arrives 1 hour and 40 minutes prior to my shift. The next bus arrives 15 minutes prior to the start of my shift. However the southbound turns around at a terminal and heads downtown giving me a sweet spot of 30 minutes prior to my shift to enjoy my coffee.


However my bus doesn't arrive. The man leaves frustrated. I'm frustrated. If I go home I don't know if I can leave. I decide to wait. I'm truly alone for the first time since my diagnosis. I start to silently weep. I'm good at crying with stealth or hiding pain. However I start to feel phantom feel of palms around my throat. My phone chirps happily at me. Kitty has messaged me. I feel better. I'm four minutes late for work. Worse for wear. Shocked to find out emotionally that I count on Kitty as a "mother". 4 days until it really begins.

Breathe Jenny.



Emsnana likes this post.
Marcia sent you a prayer.
3 people sent you a hug.
Sign in or sign up to post a comment.
You are a very talented writer. I am so sorry life has been so hard for you but am so glad you found a "cuddler" or as my granddaughter use to say "a cuggle bunny". Hope you will continue to keep us informed. In the meantime, you are in my thoughts and prayers.💕
Jennifer likes this comment

Vital Info


November 17, 2015

Click Here


February 4, 1984

Cancer Info


November 15, 2015

Stage 1

Grade 3




Starting off alone. Not having domain over my own body. Getting weaker. Being left in the dark by doctors

Don't take stuff or people for granted.


First Cancer was Endometrial Cancer -Very heavy bleeding -Abdominal pain -Fullness -Fatigue -Edema Sarcoma (2017) Growing lump on elbow pain tingling edema




Posts: 51
Photos: 18
Events: 0
Supporters: 49
Friends: 119
-Made: 0
-Received: 208
-Posts: 37144
-Photos: 10420

New Here?

We are a community of cancer survivors supporting each other. Sign up to comment or create your own cancer blog. Already a member? Sign in